When Logic Breaks Down
by NeoTroi79
Summary: Janeway angsting. A lot. So much that she considers praying...kinda.


You know, I set this account up for Voyager fanfiction...I figure its about time I actually POSTED Voyager fanfiction. So here goes. It's a oneshot with lyrics-woven-in. Kinda of like a songfic, but without the huge blocks of lyrics. The song is Crawling in the Darkness, by Hoobastank. Enjoy, and don't forget to review!

* * *

I promised myself. I promised myself the second I heard it. Delta Quadrant. I promised myself and I promised one hundred and fifty two people that I would get them home, no matter what the sacrifice.

What a sacrifice it has been. Three years. It seems like nothing in this vast wasteland of space. Three years. All those experiences. All those births. Deaths. We've missed them all. All that we loved was left. 70,000 light years. Nothing but a ripple in the fabric of reality. Oh, I'm so depressing.

I've never been one for praying, but, admittently, there is a lot of scientific evidence to the power of prayer. I look up. It seems right, I suppose.

Well, to whoever may be listening, I'm not asking much. I just wish I could know. I wish I wasn't in this void of the unknown. I don't do the unknown well. I just wish I knew how it all ended. I wish I knew which direction to take, which decisions to make, to get these people home. It's the only thing that matters to me anymore.

After three years, in the silence of my mind, it feels like we haven't moved. It feels like we're right back at the beginning, 70,000 light years. I just want a little sign, something to show me that it has all been worth it. Something to help me understand why this all fell into my lap.

My captain's mask only works for the crew. Kathryn won't accept it. Kathryn is too smart for that. But if you are listening, I suppose you knew that. In the dark I'm at her mercy. Here, we are both looking for answers that are not to be found in the caffeinated dark brown liquid that we stare into day after day.

I just need a little more strength. I just need to carry on a little longer. I've given up on my mind. Logic doesn't seem to fit in these kinds of situations. I mean, come on, I'm praying for crying out loud. This is all more on the side of insanity than logic. Not to mention the beings here do not follow the logic that we've known. I've left rational far behind.

I admit it. My heart is leading now, my soul, my intuition, my unsteady emotions. These things are leading me, leading the crew, leading all of us to this muddled destiny. I would never confess this out loud. Tuvok would relieve me of command faster than I care to think about.

I will never give into the darkness. I've promised myself that as well. Darkness has certainly threatened us. As trials come upon us again and again. Rations and deuterium, hostile aliens and ridiculous demands…is there a meaning to all of this? All we want is to go home. Will we ever see the end of this nightmarish fairytale? Will I ever get them home?

I just need a reason, just show me why. Why subject these poor people to the harsh Delta Quadrant? Make me understand why Harry shouldn't be allowed to see Libby again, why Tuvok may never see his grandchildren, why I was separated from the love of my life? I've been trapped inside my own dark mind, looking for the answer.

Well, there is no answer to this puzzle, at least none that I have found. It means there has got to be something more. There has got to be some piece that I am missing. What could possibly be so not understandable that you couldn't explain it to me? There has got to be a reason. God or not, things as catastrophic as this have to serve some purpose, if not to a deity then to history itself.

I review what I have. An amazing ship, an even more amazing crew, and an impossible journey. I deep sigh permeates my body. I must be missing something in the vast cosmos. I imagine someone looking down at me laughing at my ignorance. Wonderful. Now I believe in devilish angels as well.

I wonder if I will ever know the answer. I wonder how much longer we will be trapped, and how much longer I will be trapped in this ready room, leading where no one has gone before.

How much further do we have to go? What will we face? It seems that the answer should be right in front of me. Why can't I see it?

Here it is. My honest to an atheist heart plea. What is all this for? Make me understand why. I've been crawling in this darkness, looking for answers. There has got to be something more than this day, than this journey, than this life. If anyone is up there, a point of light in all this blackness would be much appreciated.

* * *

If you liked it, review! If you didn't like it, review! If you don't want to review, just come back and read it again or something...or read my other stuff! I just like to see the numbers go up. I know...I'm pathetic.


End file.
